As I mentioned on another post Life is not simple and can be or is more complex. No one has had the perfect life from birth till death. I may appear jealous, well quite frankly I am a little jealous and please don’t hate me for it and I might come out a little hateful, but I think I deserve to have at least a little anger in the experiences I had when it could have been avoided. 

At the start my life would have seemed idyllic, a brother who was nice to me and a mum who had two well-behaved kids, which of course changed over time due to growing up and starting to test the boundaries. Popping in to nana and papas after school and watching some cartoons while having a yoghurt before going home and getting dinner, to then having a little while hanging out with friends before bed time. Then there was Easter hunts and the older brother finding most of the creme eggs because he would get them before you did and mum helping you out a little so you didn’t get left out. To then give us the big eggs and some other presents. Then there was Christmas where we would wake up, wait for mum going for her bath before we were allowed to go down stairs, excitement building as well as anticipation and some frustration of having to wait. When we did we were to wait till mum sat down and allow us open one by one our presents to see our faces light up. To then getting ready to go to nana and papas and the family come together for Christmas dinner, Turkey, beetroot, vegetables, mashed potatoes and all sorts of food. To then having a little chat and clearing away the plates and table before we open up more presents. The worst present I could have gotten from a family member and I did was a Star Wars purse, I wasn’t a Star Wars fan and please don’t get me wrong I did appreciate it, I just didn’t really use it.

That of course all changed, my mum got a boyfriend and he was one of those it’s either my way or the highway type of guys, including him liking to get drunk. I was probably in primary 5-6 when she started dating him and he moved in, at first he seemed nice but after he moved in, it was far from it. Rules starting changing, my big brother hated him and when my mums boyfriend grounded my big brother, he went up stairs and escaped through the window. For weeks he wouldn’t stay at mums cause he hated her new boyfriend. I too hated him, but I never shown it. 

When my big brother did eventually come back, we had these style of couch and chairs were you could remove the top of it off from the base, I couldn’t sit properly on it one day that I tried fixing it while my plate of spaghetti bolognase was on the floor, once I was happy with it I picked my plate up and sat down, but it still wasn’t right I fell to my left as the chair moved and the spaghetti went on the floor, mums boyfriend ordered me and my big brother to eat in the kitchen for now on, no table or chair, just stand at the worktops/counter and eat our dinner, while mum and him are in the living room seated watching TV. My brother blamed me of course and always had, mums boyfriend also ordered us to wash dishes and dry them afterwards too. Mum changed then too, she started drinking just to ensure her boyfriend wouldn’t drink the full bottle, but we knew he would get another bottle if he could. There was even an occasion he took over completely of discipline, I was really late home after my so called (now not) best friend got me to come along with her to this golf course and I did say no and kept saying no, it’s just she never took no for an answer. When I did eventually go home, my mum flipped and her boyfriend grounded me till I moved, there wasn’t even a goodbye to those who I did hang out with after school, who didn’t even attend my school. 

I hated them for it, months of being grounded was harsh, it was in my opinion over then line. Sitting in a room day in day out with nothing but your thoughts. Too afraid to speak up just incase they punished me even more. Moving day came and went, new place, new school and no friends to hang around with. A whole week watching kids play and to shy to talk to people. Eventually a group took pity of me and had me join them, though I thought I made new friends and I stuck with them until the end of fourth year in secondary school. Home life sucked too, mums boyfriend was drunk every weekend and the police was over atleast once or twice a year and my mum would have me tell a little lie or keep some truths from them so they would go away, once they did jail both and the boyfriend was prisoned for some weeks while my mum got let of due to it being marked as self defence and the newspaper recording what a solicitor or whoever said it to them apparently me and my mum was waiting for him to come back and all that rubbish, I didn’t want him back, I wanted to have a place where I didn’t hear screaming and shouting every week and a mother who now blames me for their pathetic arguments. My big brother moved out when the landlord died and his daughter told us we had to move. We then moved to one location to another, eventually it was time for school life to finish and my college life to begin, now that was the worst first year in college. My mum moved out and left me with her now ex and I had to make do, even if it meant looking after a drunken, argumentative blithering idiot, who couldn’t even spell when he was drunk and who called me his secretary because he couldn’t be bothered on learning how to work a laptop. When I didn’t progress in to int 2 childcare I moved on to a new course step in to learning and they helped me a lot, with building confidence and speaking about everything, including at the end of the course I finally moved in to my mums house due to her finally letting me. I didn’t have a job so I couldn’t exactly move out of mums ex until mum finally gave me an option and I took it. 

I went on to do creative industries and then health and social care and I know I shouldn’t feel jealous should I? It’s not like I passed and now going in to higher and got a job, wait….that is me. But I can’t be helped when I feel alone and single, when both and only two best friends are both in a relationship and I am still single. I have everything going for me at the moment, right? But I can’t help feel jealous of their relationship, does that make me a bad person? 

Advertisements